Today is Mahasaptami. And here I am, 'far from the maddening crowd' of Kolkata(my hometown), sitting alone in my hostel room, venting out my feelings in this virtual diary. To make matters worse, even my Tamilian room mate has also gone to visit C.R.Park( considered to be a mini version of Kolkata at the heart of the Delhi) with her friends. It is not that I can't venture out alone. But sometimes you just don't feel like it. Trying to find familiar flavours in an unfamiliar-sometimes- hostile city needs some company. It is however not to say that I am a loner or I don't have friends. Yes, I do-not many, but a few-- some of them are with me, some not. Most of them are busy in some part of city, India and abroad. Maybe if I call them up, they would be happy, would probably try to make me feel better, but then what? Again this void will engulf me.....because in spite of everything I have withdrawn myself from each of them in fear of getting hurt anymore.
History repeats itself, when I see I tend to value those people more to whom I am 'one of the many' options. Sometimes I just want somebody to read my silence. I might sound very pessimistic, but I have no aspirations for myself now. Career was never my first priority, and personal life- better left unsaid. If anything matters to me now is my Mom and to some extent my Dad (after so many years) because I have realized only these two people are actually bothered about me. But its not easy. In order to bring smile on their face, again I have to emabark on another long and tough journey. So many years of bitterness and trauma-- I know that is not easy to forget, or worse forgive. But I have to. If not for anybody else, then for my sake only. I don't know whether I would be successful or not. In the process I know I have to make compromises, which have already started.
Its already two days since the Puja has started. But still I have not been able to visit the Puja pandals. I was planning to go to C.R. Park tomorrow morning, but altered situations has prevented me from pursuing my plan. Sometimes I think, not everybody deserves a soulmate, or the concept itself is an utopia?
I better stop. Before everything gets blurred.